"There is nothing more fulfilling than watching people get caught in the thick, coarse gossamer of their own hypocrisy."

"Ah, living alone. Can't live with it, can't live without it."

"I guess they don't realize that TV is always going to seem worse now than it did when you were twelve. I've met people who will self-righteously declare that they don't own a TV set, as if it makes them morally superior to everyone else, as if they are declaring they have never told a lie or broken the law. There is absolutely nothing immoral about TV. …My mind worked so hard for the first eighteen years of my life that it needs - and deserves - a virtual brain pillow to rest in."

"The size of a woman's pocketbook is inversely related to her wealth. The poorer a woman is, the bigger her pocketbook."

"Ninety-nine percent of the time, alcohol is just an excuse to do what you really wanted to do anyway."

"Killing time is hard, unless you're avoiding work, in which case you can think of an infinite number of things you need to do."

"How come it's only cool to be nerdy after it doesn't matter anymore?"

"I'm having a Pilby Party: A party for one. I love Pilby Parties. I'm the only guest, and I always fit in."

"Sometimes it seems that even the people who seem to want to get to the truth only want to get to a certain point of the truth, and after that, they just want to make nice."

"Why do we know what's moral and wise when we're seven, but not when we're twenty-seven?"

"Being lonely isn't about wanting to be with other people - it's about being with people who really care about you."

"Why is it that liberal people believe no one has the right to pass judgment on their liberality, but it's perfectly fine for them to censor other people's rigidity?"

"What's strange is that one more person is all it takes to make you feel like you fit into the world, even though a couple is only one more than one. Just the mere addition of one person makes your life 800 percent better, and makes you all of a sudden fit into the social structure of society."

"Politicians today cite Jefferson Smith [Mr. Smith Goes to Washington] as if he's some great role model, but in truth, all he does is hang around with young boys and beat up reporters. That's just not cool."

"Is that why people had to invent religions to that make you fear hell? Because it is only fear, not common sense or morality, that will keep us in line?"

"It's easy to be moral if you have exactly what you want."

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